Before we strap ourselves in and prepare to give the coming year the serious attention it will no doubt deserve, here’s my attempt to predict the year ahead based entirely on the evidence of the year that’s just gone.
January. We will hit the New Year running: literally, as the Presidential Inauguration sees crowds taking to their heels as the new President finally admits defeat in his attempts to hire top musical talent. ‘I’ve got a simply great voice,’ announces the forty fifth president as he snatches the microphone from Master of Ceremonies and startled-owl lookalike Scott Baio. As the president serenades the fleeing crowds with his Reggae version of Iggy Pop’s ‘I wanna be your god’, he is joined on stage by Mike Pence (banjo) and ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis (Colt .45). Even Trump’s harshest critics admit it’s the most memorable inauguration, thanks largely to the liberal use of ICBMs during the firework show.
February sees Britain’s Foreign Secretary in deep water after he uses a meeting of the UN to promote his new bestseller, Boris’s Big Book of Bawdy Limericks. A man from Peru takes offence, as does a woman from Calcutta whose complaint is supported by representatives of Indian butter. Meanwhile, Nantucket close their consulate in London.
March will see Theresa May trigger Article 50. She does so using the previously unseen Article 50 trigger, built in China by Sir James Dyson’s best team of German engineers. The moment May pulls the trigger, a ticking noise starts in the vicinity of Liam Fox’s shoes. Thankfully David Davies is on hand and uses his SAS training to neutralise the threat by throwing Fox through the nearest ‘outward facing the world’ window.
April in the UK see high drama in Westminster. The House of Commons is suspended when Jacob Rees Mogg swallows his own chin.
May sees yet another relaunch of the Labour Party. Jeremy Corbyn Version 4.3 is a leftwing populist with the charisma of a morning TV antiques expert fingering fraudulent jade. Following the example set by Nigel Farage, Jeremy starts every sentence with an accusing ‘you know what’ and policy announcements are made from behind a pint of beer. By 2pm, Jeremy is feeling pretty sick and has already decorated Laura Kuenssberg’s favourite collarless jacket with last night’s Indian takeaway. By 5pm, he’s in the car park having a fist fight with Nicholas Soames. Midnight arrives with Jeremy cautioned for flashing his enormous mandate at passers-by. Ken Livingstone arrives to drive him home and Jeremy falls asleep to the calming sound of neo-Marxist newt trivia.
June brings more evidence of global warming when polar bears are seen crossing Donald Trump’s golf course in Aberdeenshire. As luck would have it, the bears’ arrival coincides with a visit by Trump’s sons. The bears are shot, skinned and sold as novelty golf club hats with all proceeds going to the charities Drain the Swamp, Get Money Out of Politics, and Men We Might Accidentally Meet Who Look Remarkably Like the President.
Big news in June as former President Barak Obama applies for a Kenyan passport. He is followed by 63,620,703 other people.
In July, Scottish independence is back in the headlines as Nicola Sturgeon promises to build a wall and make the rest of the UK pay for it. This proves to be an extremely popular policy but particularly in the rest of the UK. English counties quickly raise the funds needed and subsequently ban hogmanay, Frankie Boyle, and shortcake biscuits. A petition to overthrow the ban takes less than a week to reach double figures.
August: Donald Trump’s links to business continues to cause the new president considerable trouble but he reassures the nation in his presidential address from the ‘Oval Office Sponsored By Walmart’.
September. The government is rocked by statistics that show immigrants to the UK continue to cause problems, such staffing A&E departments, doing vital research in universities, and generally contributing to the GDP. The government promises to address the issue and launches a website. Cutting-your-nose-off-despite-it-leaving-a-gaping-hole-in-your-face.com crashes on the first day.
Iran’s continued belligerence will force Donald Trump to address the nation in October. From the Oval OfficeTM he will issue a stark warning which will include grabbing his testicles and shouting ‘your momma’. It will be seen as a provocative act but Trump’s numerous asides and ad libs mean that nobody can figure out to whom or what he was being provocative. Iran, Chinah, Mexico, Iceland, Middle Earth, Rosie O’Donnell, and the Boy Scouts of America all go into states of high alert.
November: nothing happens. It is widely acclaimed as the ‘best month ever’.
December: President Trump tells Americans than they can start to use the word ‘Christmas’ again. He does, however, outlaw the words ‘impeach’, ‘one-term’ and ‘Nixonian’.