What with Slovakia and parts of France saying they will only accept Christian refugees I’ve just dropped by with a few tips on choosing which desperate person should be washing up on the UK’s shores.
In the spirit of pan-European, progressive, Geldof-friendly, seal-those-borders, there’s-one-in-every-container-wagon cooperation, I thought I’d set down the conditions by which Syrian refugees will be allowed in. After all, we do have our standards and refugees should only come here if they conform to the norms of our culture.
So, my good man, what’s your opinion of ornamental decking? Pet salons? Double buggies blocking the cheese aisle at Waitrose? No, no. We don’t care about your qualifications. What use is a Ph.D. in Chemistry if you can’t spit in the street or leer menacingly at a cyclist? Ever park across a pavement or fly tip an old mattress in the green belt? What do you think of Whitesnake tribute bands in pub gardens playing in the early hours of a Saturday morning?
Can’t tell the difference between left and right? Consider a career in the Post Office! Hey, you with the smile! Clear off! We don’t have any use for smilers around here. Try Sweden.
Oh, but we like the look of you, sir! Yes, you skulking behind. The deranged quad biker with a brow like a Richard Nixon dipped in tar? Just tick the box indicating your willingness to plough through protected woodlands on a warm Bank Holiday Monday with a modded-muffler spluttering hot smoke. You have the stuff that made Britain great! Next! [You see how we get through them at quite a lick once we know what we’re after?]
Slightly jaundiced view of the English? Report to Scotland. Hate the English? Tick your preference: coal mines or male voice choirs. Poor huddled masses? Sorry. This line’s for ‘hardworking people’ only. We want the wily plumber who knows how to rip off a pensioner; the psychotic street hawker asking who does your gas and electricity, the window cleaner who wipes everything down with a forty foot mop. Oh but I see that your interests include tax avoidance! I’ll fast track you immediately, sir! A for Amazon all the way!
Ah! But I see you’re a bit fundamentalist… The wrong kind of violence, I’m afraid. We only take people who lose it if somebody looks at them in slightly the wrong way. Repeat after me: what you looking at? Excellent. Now smash a pint glass in my face and post it to Facebook.
Now we come to the children… Such a burden in the short term but so much potential. Shame we can’t put them to work instead of burdening the educational system. What do you mean we can if we send them to Academies? Oh, excellent thinking. Then we’ll take the lot. Ask for Duncan Smith at the desk.