A Practical Guide To Choosing Refugees

By David WaywellTube1b

What with Slovakia and parts of France saying they will only accept Christian refugees I’ve just dropped by with a few tips on choosing which desperate person should be washing up on the UK’s shores.

In the spirit of pan-European, progressive, Geldof-friendly, seal-those-borders, there’s-one-in-every-container-wagon cooperation, I thought I’d set down the conditions by which Syrian refugees will be allowed in. After all, we do have our standards and refugees should only come here if they conform to the norms of our culture.

So, my good man, what’s your opinion of ornamental decking? Pet salons? Double buggies blocking the cheese aisle at Waitrose? No, no. We don’t care about your qualifications. What use is a Ph.D. in Chemistry if you can’t spit in the street or leer menacingly at a cyclist? Ever park across a pavement or fly tip an old mattress in the green belt? What do you think of Whitesnake tribute bands in pub gardens playing in the early hours of a Saturday morning?

Can’t tell the difference between left and right? Consider a career in the Post Office! Hey, you with the smile! Clear off! We don’t have any use for smilers around here. Try Sweden.

Oh, but we like the look of you, sir! Yes, you skulking behind. The deranged quad biker with a brow like a Richard Nixon dipped in tar? Just tick the box indicating your willingness to plough through protected woodlands on a warm Bank Holiday Monday with a modded-muffler spluttering hot smoke. You have the stuff that made Britain great! Next! [You see how we get through them at quite a lick once we know what we’re after?]

Slightly jaundiced view of the English? Report to Scotland. Hate the English? Tick your preference: coal mines or male voice choirs. Poor huddled masses? Sorry. This line’s for ‘hardworking people’ only. We want the wily plumber who knows how to rip off a pensioner; the psychotic street hawker asking who does your gas and electricity, the window cleaner who wipes everything down with a forty foot mop. Oh but I see that your interests include tax avoidance! I’ll fast track you immediately, sir! A for Amazon all the way!

Ah! But I see you’re a bit fundamentalist… The wrong kind of violence, I’m afraid. We only take people who lose it if somebody looks at them in slightly the wrong way. Repeat after me: what you looking at? Excellent. Now smash a pint glass in my face and post it to Facebook.

Now we come to the children… Such a burden in the short term but so much potential. Shame we can’t put them to work instead of burdening the educational system. What do you mean we can if we send them to Academies? Oh, excellent thinking. Then we’ll take the lot. Ask for Duncan Smith at the desk.cartoon two

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7 Comments on "A Practical Guide To Choosing Refugees"

  1. mahatmacoatmabag | 16th September 2015 at 11:04 am | Reply

    If this was an attempt at satire it fails. It is the right of the electorate in France & Slovakia to express their views on a serious matter that has implications for their & their families future security & wellbeing. There are a lot of arrogant people mostly on the left who think they know what is best for us working class slobs who pay the taxes & attempt to force their world views & insane unworkable multicultural policies on others guaranteeing civil strife & eventually racial warfare. East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet is just as true now as when Rudyard Kipling wrote it. The current mass migration from the Mid-East & Africa is in no way comparable with the mass refugee movements after WW2 which was of Europeans within Europe or with European immigration to North America, this is a fundamental clash of opposing civilisations, ones that have clashed before at the gates of Vienna. Unless European politicians realise that & act accordingly to protect their citizens then we are doomed to repeat another war in Europe within a decade or less.

  2. mahatmacoatmabag | 16th September 2015 at 6:27 pm | Reply

    The violence the so called migrants are using is orchestrated for the media to use in duping the public, they are using the exact same violent methods the Palestinians use against Israeli police, placing the 10% women & children in the mob at the front as human shields whilst the 90% young fit men throw rocks, stones, bottles & debris hoping to get the police to open fire & cause casualties among the women & children human shields which the media will then use to push the lefts political agenda.

  3. nehad ismail - United Kingdom | 16th September 2015 at 9:28 pm | Reply

    The Sarcasm is in the title which I liked. The article contains home-truths albeit told in a humorous sort of way.

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