The news that 30% of Republican voters want the US to bomb Agrabah shows how the national mood has turned. Americans are now prepared to see their troops return to the Middle East and Agrabah is the obvious target. A lightly-armed kingdom with nothing in the way of a modern military, it doesn’t even have a seat at the UN. The US will be certain to have superiority both in the air and on the ground yet this will be an entirely new form of warfare. There is no way of knowing if precision munitions will have any effect on insurgents comprising a jinni, a young boy called Aladdin and Abu, a kleptomaniac monkey.
This will be the first time the US has gone to war with an entirely fictional kingdom so the military will be wary of unknowns on the battlefield. It is thought Agrabah’s elite forces include singing swords, dancing golems, and argumentative parrots with a sharp line in witty comebacks. With the US Fifth Fleet deployed to the region, America certainly has the hardware to do the job but the difficulty of targeting a non-existent realm might encourage them to look elsewhere.
The most obvious alternative is to go after Agrabah’s proxies operating throughout Europe. The loose network of ‘terror’ cells have operated in the UK for decades and Britain’s MI5 has been unable to do much to restrict the activities of radical believers who instill fear into the young population usually around Christmas time.
The first strikes would involve Tomahawk cruise missiles targeting Southampton in the area of the Mayflower Theater where Aladdin, the Magical 3D Pantomime adventure, stars Joe Pasquale. It would prove a popular move. Pasquale was radicalized under the notorious Chuckle Brothers and has preached Agrabah orthodoxy for many years in a high-pitched voice that has annoyed many. So far the government has rejected calls for him to be deported but America’s plan to impose a career change would be widely welcomed.
Lockheed F-117 Nighthawks dropping laser guided munitions would then make a series of precision strikes to take our regional repertory companies around Derby. Their main objective will be Aladdin with Atomic Kitten’s Natasha Hamilton and Dan Osborne from ‘The Only Way is Essex’. Special forces will be deployed ahead of the strikes to minimize the chances of the conflict turning nuclear involving the other Atomic Kittens. It is not thought that Agrabah has the technology to deploy Kerry Katona at this time but it should be remembered that Agrabah was part of George W. Bush’s axis of imaginary evils along with Narnia, Middle Earth, and Chelsea FC. (Chelsea FC was later replaced by Oz after the CIA confirmed that it was no longer an imaginary evil.)
CIA assets across Europe have spent the past two years trying to locate the hiding place of Agrabah’s European commander. They now believe they have found him and the main bulk of the US missiles will be aimed at the Theatre Royal Nottingham where Aladdin, the Magical Pantomime Adventure, sees Christopher Biggins play Widow Twankey. Biggins is heavily defended, having spent the last twenty years hiding in London’s social scene where he consumed large quantities of cocktail sausages on sticks. The US might be forced to use the so called ‘bunker busters’. The BLU-113 Super Penetrator can break through 20 feet of reinforced concrete which should provide have enough penetration to make it through Biggins’ dress, corsets, and comedy bloomers.
If America does decide to launch a new front of its ‘War on Terror’ on Agrabah, it will be a protracted campaign, possibly lasting as long as the early weeks of January. The US will seek to ensure that this does not turn into a wider conflict and they will be careful to remind us that their war is against pantomime and not against light entertainment in general. That would only see an escalation drawing in the likes of Ant & Dec, Graham Norton, and Claudia Winkleman, thereby inflaming the situation across the wider Christmas TV schedule.
We can only live in hope…