Light Relief

The news that 30% of Republican voters want the US to bomb Agrabah shows how the national mood has turned. Americans are now prepared to see their troops return to the Middle East and Agrabah is the obvious target. A lightly-armed kingdom with nothing in the way of a modern military, it doesn’t even have a seat at the UN. The US will be certain to have superiority both in the air and on the ground yet this will be an entirely new form of warfare. There is no way of knowing if precision munitions will have any effect on insurgents comprising a jinni, a young boy called Aladdin and Abu, a kleptomaniac monkey.

This will be the first time the US has gone to war with an entirely fictional kingdom so the military will be wary of unknowns on the battlefield. It is thought Agrabah’s elite forces include singing swords, dancing golems, and argumentative parrots with a sharp line in witty comebacks. With the US Fifth Fleet deployed to the region, America certainly has the hardware to do the job but the difficulty of targeting a non-existent realm might encourage them to look elsewhere.

The most obvious alternative is to go after Agrabah’s proxies operating throughout Europe. The loose network of ‘terror’ cells have operated in the UK for decades and Britain’s MI5 has been unable to do much to restrict the activities of radical believers who instill fear into the young population usually around Christmas time.

show-pantoThe first strikes would involve Tomahawk cruise missiles targeting Southampton in the area of the Mayflower Theater where Aladdin, the Magical 3D Pantomime adventure, stars Joe Pasquale. It would prove a popular move. Pasquale was radicalized under the notorious Chuckle Brothers and has preached Agrabah orthodoxy for many years in a high-pitched voice that has annoyed many. So far the government has rejected calls for him to be deported but America’s plan to impose a career change would be widely welcomed.

Lockheed F-117 Nighthawks dropping laser guided munitions would then make a series of precision strikes to take our regional repertory companies around Derby. Their main objective will be Aladdin with Atomic Kitten’s Natasha Hamilton and Dan Osborne from ‘The Only Way is Essex’. Special forces will be deployed ahead of the strikes to minimize the chances of the conflict turning nuclear involving the other Atomic Kittens. It is not thought that Agrabah has the technology to deploy Kerry Katona at this time but it should be remembered that Agrabah was part of George W. Bush’s axis of imaginary evils along with Narnia, Middle Earth, and Chelsea FC. (Chelsea FC was later replaced by Oz after the CIA confirmed that it was no longer an imaginary evil.)

CIA assets across Europe have spent the past two years trying to locate the hiding place of Agrabah’s European commander. They now believe they have found him and the main bulk of the US missiles will be aimed at the Theatre Royal Nottingham where Aladdin, the Magical Pantomime Adventure, sees Christopher Biggins play Widow Twankey. Biggins is heavily defended, having spent the last twenty years hiding in London’s social scene where he consumed large quantities of cocktail sausages on sticks. The US might be forced to use the so called ‘bunker busters’. The BLU-113 Super Penetrator can break through 20 feet of reinforced concrete which should provide have enough penetration to make it through Biggins’ dress, corsets, and comedy bloomers.

If America does decide to launch a new front of its ‘War on Terror’ on Agrabah, it will be a protracted campaign, possibly lasting as long as the early weeks of January. The US will seek to ensure that this does not turn into a wider conflict and they will be careful to remind us that their war is against pantomime and not against light entertainment in general. That would only see an escalation drawing in the likes of Ant & Dec, Graham Norton, and Claudia Winkleman, thereby inflaming the situation across the wider Christmas TV schedule.

We can only live in hope…

David Waywell writes and cartoons at The Spine.

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7 Comments on "The case for bombing Agrabah"

  1. Agrabah in some Arabic dialects means Scorpion.
    It can also be pronounced as Aqrabah.
    Sorry for the meager and useless contribution.
    I am using a borrowed or a hijacked laptop. My main desk computer was remotely disabled. The usual suspects are the Assad regime cyber foot-soldiers or ISIS electronic cannon fodder or an evil alliance of both. Hopefully I shall be back in days.

    • Nehad, I’m just amazed anybody could make a sensible contribution to a piece of my nonsense. Hope you get your PC fixed. Not sure how a PC is remotely disabled but there are some nasty viruses out there which are out to lock machines for the purposes of blackmail. Really bad luck if you managed to get caught by one of those.

      • David your piece is funny and has relevance to current events. My PC was a target for some time. You are right about viruses paralyzing computers.

  2. A German’s View on Islam – worth reading. This is by far the best explanation of the Muslim terrorist situation I have ever read. His references to past history are accurate and clear. Not long, easy to understand, and well worth the read. The author of this email is Dr. Emanuel Tanya, a well-known and well-respected psychiatrist.

    A man, whose family was German aristocracy prior to World War II, owned a number of large industries and estates. When asked how many German people were true Nazis, the answer he gave can guide our attitude toward fanaticism.

    ‘Very few people were true Nazis,’ he said, ‘but many enjoyed the return of German pride, and many more were too busy to care. I was one of those who just thought the Nazis were a bunch of fools. So, the majority just sat back and let it all happen. Then, before we knew it, they owned us, and we had lost control, and the end of the world had come. My family lost everything. I ended up in a concentration camp and the Allies destroyed my family’s factories.’

    We are told again and again by ‘experts’ and ‘talking heads’ that Islam is the religion of peace and that the vast majority of Muslims just want to live in peace. Although this unqualified assertion may be true, it is entirely irrelevant. It is meaningless fluff, meant to make us feel better, and meant to somehow diminish the specter of fanatics rampaging across the globe in the name of Islam.

    The fact is that the fanatics rule Islam at this moment in history. It is the fanatics who march. It is the fanatics who wage any one of 50 shooting wars worldwide. It is the fanatics who systematically slaughter Christian or tribal groups throughout Africa and are gradually taking over the entire continent in an Islamic wave. It is the fanatics who bomb, behead, murder, or honour-kill. It is the fanatics who take over mosque after mosque. It is the fanatics who zealously spread the stoning and hanging of rape victims and homosexuals. It is the fanatics who teach their young to kill and to become suicide bombers.

    The hard, quantifiable fact is that the peaceful majority, the ‘silent majority,’ is cowed and extraneous. Communist Russia was comprised of Russians who just wanted to live in peace, yet the Russian Communists were responsible for the murder of about 20 million people. The peaceful majority were irrelevant. China’s huge population was peaceful as well, but Chinese Communists managed to kill a staggering 70 million people.

    The average Japanese individual prior to World War II was not a warmongering sadist. Yet, Japan murdered and slaughtered its way across South East Asia in an orgy of killing that included the systematic murder of 12 million Chinese civilians; most killed by sword, shovel, and bayonet. And who can forget Rwanda, which collapsed into butchery. Could it not be said that the majority of Rwandans were ‘peace loving’?

    History lessons are often incredibly simple and blunt, yet for all our powers of reason, we often miss the most basic and uncomplicated of points: peace-loving Muslims have been made irrelevant by their silence. Peace-loving Muslims will become our enemy if they don’t speak up, because like my friend from Germany, they will awaken one day and find that the fanatics own them, and the end of their world will have begun.

    Peace-loving Germans, Japanese, Chinese, Russians, Rwandans, Serbs, Afghans, Iraqis, Palestinians, Somalis, Nigerians, Algerians, and many others have died because the peaceful majority didn’t speak up until it was too late.

    Now Islamic prayers have been introduced into Toronto and other public schools in Ontario, and yes, in Ottawa too while the Lord’s Prayer was removed (due to being so offensive?). The Islamic way may be peaceful for the time being in our country until the fanatics move in.

    In Australia , and indeed in many countries around the world, many of the most commonly consumed food items have the halal emblem on them. Just look at the back of some of the most popular chocolate bars, and at other food items in your local supermarket. Food on aircraft has the halal emblem, just to appease the privileged minority who are now rapidly expanding within the nation’s shores.

    In the U.K, the Muslim communities refuse to integrate and there are now dozens of “no-go” zones within major cities across the country that the police force dare not intrude upon. Sharia law prevails there, because the Muslim community in those areas refuse to acknowledge British law.

    As for us who watch it all unfold, we must pay attention to the only group that counts, the fanatics who threaten our way of life.

    Lastly, anyone who doubts that the issue is serious and just deletes this email without sending it on, is contributing to the passiveness that allows the problems to expand. So, extend yourself a bit and send this on and on and on! Let us hope that thousands, world-wide, read this and think about it, and send it on – before it’s too late.

    And WE are SILENT.

  3. Buford T. Justice | 20th December 2015 at 10:57 pm | Reply

    It’s worth pointing out that 19% of Democrats in the same poll also voted to bomb Agrabah.

    LOVIN Prisoners of Geography btw

  4. Agreed, Prisoners of Geography is very enlightening. Has helped explain several things that have been puzzling me. I Kindled it and had it within seconds.

  5. Very good David. You perfectly illustrate the difficulties of eradicating this type of evil, you can never get them all. Hiding in plain sight in Milton Keynes are two fanatics who have been causing misery for 40 years, the Wilmot-Sleep cell. Why are they not targeted, simple, they hold a valuable member of the US royal family, the former wife of the late lamented King himself no less, Queen Priscilla of Memphis. They are demanding a ransom of up to £42.50 to allow observers to verify that she is in good health.

    I do fear for you though, Biggins is known to fiercely prize his reputation as a gourmet and will no doubt regard your revelation of his cocktail sausage habit to be extremely damaging, perhaps you should retract before he takes you to the cleaners, yes the US may get him first, but how many times have the reports of his demise proven to be false and he has, like the proverbial bad penny, turned up again bright as ever?

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