I had a dream, which was not all a dream…
The new British ambassador to the United States celebrated her arrival in Washington, this Saturday, by streaming the Kardashian-only event live to Instagram. It also marked the elevation of social media influencer, Hoopie van Axminster, to the most cherished role in the British civil service. Speaking to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop News, the Ambassador said: “This is, like, so Bieber it made me want to swipe up and post it on the ’gram!”
The ambassador is the first in history to be handpicked by the American president, her appointment confirmed by new British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, with both men agreeing that the arrival of the six-foot one-inch, blonde-haired former lingerie model marked a different chapter in the now one-sided relationship between the two countries. “I originally suggested that Ivanka was perfect for the role but then those American-hating socialists known as ‘the British’ complained,” tweeted Donald Trump. “And, as you know, we do have to keep our colonies happy!”
Johnson, meanwhile, was heard yelling through a wall at one-thirty in the morning: “I think she’ll do a splendid job! Harpsicords. Jelly. Umlauts.”
The appointment was also noted by former leadership candidate, Jeremy Hunt, who started his new job as Minister for H.M. Stationery by commenting from his office in the Orkney Islands. “The darkest day in the administration of government since the invention of the non-standard Vaaler paperclip in 1901,” he said over a crackling Skype.
Meanwhile, attempts to block the appointment continue in the recently prorogued parliament which has been meeting in Dulwich’s Gala Disco Starlight Fun Lounge from where John Bercow oversees affairs from his Speaker’s Chair/DJ booth. Even though his new single, ‘Chuntering from a sedentary position’, entered the UK Trance Charts at number 3 this week, he was still able to lead calls for the government to appoint a career civil servant. Others offered more proactive solutions. New leader of the Liberal Democrats, Kenneth Clarke, backed calls for an early lunch (“the more liquid the better”), whilst the MP for Penrith and The Border, Rory Stewart, tapped the side of his nose and promised to walk “somewhere” and speak to “somebody”.
This comes as the Johnson government continues to prepare for a No Deal Brexit with a raft of proposals up to and including rafts in case it all goes wrong. Plans are already advanced for a zipwire to France, a new fleet of bendy cross-Channel ferries, and a new constitution composed entirely in Homeric Greek. Northern Ireland’s new Soft Hard Border is already in development with the help of Joanna Lumley, who has promised that advanced shrubbery techniques will provide the technological solution needed in this ongoing crisis. “Darlings, the dastardly smuggling of goods across the border will stop once they note the simply divine scent of the sweet violets planted around the minefield”, she gushed (annoyingly) before the Select Committee last month.
In other news, Jeremy Corbyn announced the newest investigation into anti-Semitism inside the Labour Party’s commission to root out anti-Semitism within the anti-Semitism watchdog set up to identity anti-Semitism inside the party. Said a spokesperson: “We’re committed to rooting out anti-Semitism from wherever we find it in the Labour movement, even if that means holding the Jews responsible.” The spokesperson was subsequently expelled from the party but immediately reinstated when she was cleared of all charges of anti-Semitism.